A Merry, Sickly Christmas

Merry Christmas Diary!

Last year, “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams” popped into my head several times, and now I am home. This was an unexpected holiday, to be sure. Here is what happened:

On Monday, the Sixth Day of Christmas

Mom and I visited my fake brothers to learn more about shipping. To explain, she felt the need to “adopt” a son because neither son lives nearby. While we waited for the younger, Average,  I walked in 50 degree Fahrenheit weather in a flimsy cardigan to a nearby coffee shop. The beginning of the end…


On Tuesday, the Seventh Day of Christmas

Mom and I made spice cookies. I ate enough to make up for the past five Christmases! Then, we packed them into boxes to ship to my real brothers. To save on postage, she took the boxes to Average, but on the way, she realized she forgot to bring them their snowman-shaped spice cookies. We took the boxes to the post office, returned home for their precious cookies, bought their usual Christmas gift ($10 Subway giftcards), and delivered them at the shop. And then came the best Christmas dialog of 2016!

It all began when I showed Grinns, Average’s brother, the broken kitty cookie, noting the irony of their perfect snowmen and my broken legged and tailed cat, which Ma tried to repair by putting a strip of cookie dough on the broken pieces and baking it again.

Average: This just shows that she loves me more.
Me: What?! I grabbed a pen and poked his paunch. Then, I spied his Subway card on the floor.
Average: Hey! That is my card! Give it back!
Me: No, ha ha ha!
Ma: Alright. Now, give Mama a hug, Average.
Average: Ha, ha! She loves ME more!
Me: DON’T hug him! I run into Ma’s arms, effectively intercepting Average’s hug.
Ma: That is no way to treat your brother!
Me: I jabbed my finger at Average and Grinns. THEY’RE not my real brothers!
Grinns: Oh, man!
Ma: Now, give back the giftcard.
Me: Looking ahead, I extended my arm.
Average: That must have cost a lot.
Me: I storm towards the door. Merry Christmas you filthy animal!
Average: And a Happy New Year.


On Wednesday, the Eight Day of Christmas

I awoke to a throat full of mucus. I reminded Ma that I did not want boots.


On Thursday, the Ninth Day of Christmas

Ma left me at home to bake oatmeal cookies. I dreamed of red shoes.



On Friday, the Tenth Day of Christmas

I decorated the tree, set up Mom’s nutcrackers, arranged the nativity scene, and found the best Christmas playlists. We shopped for Christmas gifts. I found Ma the loveliest black lace top!



On Saturday, the Eleventh Day of Christmas

I started making Tapenade Rolls! By 2pm, I had a headache in addition to my cough, and laid down during the day, for once. I reviewed my

Christmas Wish List

-Polkadot Tights with Quarter-Sized White Dots on a Black Background
-Red High Heels
-Under Eyelash Falsies
-Waterpik Refills

I left the traditional Christmas Eve dinner of lobster and shrimp early for Doctor Who. I do not like the animated series. I listened as mom worked through the night.



On Sunday, the Twelfth Day of Christmas

I got black boots. I found out my brother and his wife are having their first child, talked to an old friend, retired early, and dozed as I watched the Doctor Who Christmas special, waking up at 12:15am, the day after Christmas.



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